


The Art of (Fake) Relationships

by Ellimac



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Relationship Advice, aromantic Amethyst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-16 13:51:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4627686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellimac/pseuds/Ellimac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl is tired of trying to dissuade the mayor's advances toward her, so Amethyst comes up with a plan to stop them once and for all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of (Fake) Relationships

Steven burst into the house, waving an envelope over his head. “Pearl! Pearl! You’ve got mail!”

Pearl and Amethyst, who were sitting at the table looking at a map, looked up in surprise. “Pearl’s got mail?” Amethyst repeated. “We _never_ get mail. Who’s it from?”

Steven handed the letter to Pearl, who turned it over, looking at both sides. “There’s no return address,” she said.

“Open it!” Steven said, excited.

Pearl opened the envelope. Inside was a single piece of paper, which she unfolded and glanced at before giving a groan of frustration.

“What is it?” Steven said, standing on his tiptoes to see.

“Yeah, what is it?” Amethyst echoed. She got up and stood beside Pearl.

“It’s from the mayor,” Pearl said, handing Amethyst the letter. “He wants to go on a date with me.”

“‘Dearest Pearl,” Amethyst read, “‘our acquaintance so far has been brief, but to me, you are as the sky to the moon. Please, meet me on the boardwalk tomorrow at noon if you return my feelings. Sincerely, Mayor Dewey.’” Amethyst laughed. “Get a load of that crap.”

“It sounds like he got Jamie to help him write that,” Steven said, holding his hand out for the letter. Amethyst handed it over, and he scanned it quickly. “Aww, he signed it with a heart.”

“I don’t know _how_ many times I need to tell him I’m not interested,” Pearl said wearily. “His father was the same. _Honestly_.”

Steven frowned at the letter. A moment ago it had seemed cute, but if the mayor was bothering Pearl…

“Well… you don’t have to go,” he suggested.

“I doubt that would work.” Pearl sighed and sat back on the sofa. “He comes from a long line of men who don’t know a rejection when they see one.”

“You could write back and tell him no,” Steven said. “Or you could call him and tell him no.” He paused, his brow furrowing. “But you might hurt his feelings.”

“I have an idea,” Amethyst interjected, before Pearl could reply. “You tell him you’re already in a relationship. Humans will usually back off if they think you’re already seeing someone.”

Pearl frowned. “But I’m _not_ already in a relationship.”

Amethyst rolled her eyes. “Yeah, duh. There’s such a thing as pretending, you know.”

“But…”

“That’s a great idea,” Steven cut in. He beamed at Pearl. “That way you can tell him without hurting his feelings!”

“But—with whom?” Pearl said, perplexed.

Amethyst sat next to her and closed her hand over Pearl’s. “Me,” she said with a mischievous grin.

Pearl stared at their hands together, then looked at Amethyst’s face. “Are you… serious?”

Steven bounced onto the sofa beside them, too excited to contain himself. “This is such a great idea! You two are perfect for each other!”

Amethyst held Pearl’s hand to her cheek and gave her what could only be described as a gooey look. “Aww, I know, right? We’re just _so_ cute together.”

Pearl pearled her hand away. “Don’t be ridiculous. No one would believe it for a second.”

“Sure they would!” Steven protested. “Here, I’ll prove it.” He pulled out his phone and dialed Connie’s number.

She answered on the third ring. “Steven? I was just about to leave for a violin lesson,” Connie said, surprised. “What’s up?”

“Hi, Connie,” Steven said. “What would you say if I told you Pearl and Amethyst were dating?”

He held the phone away from his face as Connie exclaimed, delighted, “They _are_?” He could see by Pearl and Amethyst’s glance at each other that they had heard, too.

“No, they’re not really,” Steven admitted, putting the phone back to his face, “but we have an idea. You definitely believed me for a second though, right?”

Connie laughed. “Wow. Yeah, you had me for a second there. Why do you need me to believe they’re dating?”

“Oh, it’s not just you,” Steven said happily. “I’ll tell you all about it later. When can you come over?”

“Um, after my violin lesson we’re having dinner, but I think I can come over after that. Around seven? I can’t wait to hear _all_ about it.”

“Sounds good,” Steven said. “I’ll see you then. Thanks, Connie!”

He hung up and beamed at Pearl and Amethyst. “See? It’s a _great_ plan. Connie said she believed me for a second.”

“I don’t know…” Pearl said, still skeptical. Amethyst rolled her eyes and reached for Pearl’s hand again.

“Look, just give it a shot, all right, P?” she said. “We don’t have to kiss or anything. Just hold hands and, you know, act couple-y.”

“Well…” Pearl looked from Steven, who gave her an encouraging smile, to Amethyst, who waggled her eyebrows.

“We don’t even have to do it for too long,” Amethyst said, seeing Pearl’s continued reluctance. “Just long enough to convince the guy he doesn’t stand a chance with you. It probably won’t last longer than a day.” She looked at Steven, who nodded in agreement. “We just show up, act like a couple in front of him, and then we can go back to normal.”

Pearl sighed. “All right. We can try it. But no kissing,” she hastened to add.

Amethyst opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue. “Blech, agreed. Kissing is gross.”

Steven threw his hands in the air. “Woohoo! This is going to be so great!”

Pearl grimaced. Amethyst gave Pearl’s hand a squeeze and said with a grin, “It sure is.”

\--

The plan was this: at noon, Pearl and Amethyst would go out together to the boardwalk. Pearl would act surprised to see Mayor Dewey, while flirting openly with Amethyst, and Dewey would see how they acted together, give up, and apologize.

That was the plan.

The first thing that happened was that Steven wanted to come along, and though Pearl thought that might make their lie more obvious, Amethyst was all for it, so she was overruled.

The second thing that happened was that Dewey spotted them before they were ready. Pearl and Amethyst were quietly arguing about whether or not they should be holding hands when Pearl heard a familiar voice calling her name.

She cringed and grabbed Amethyst’s hand. “We’re doing this,” she muttered.

Amethyst, who had been arguing for hand-holding, had no complaints. Steven stood on her other side as Mayor Dewey approached.

“I hoped you’d come,” he said, and it was all Pearl could do not to flinch away. He glanced at Steven and Amethyst. “I… hoped you’d come _alone_.”

“Oh, well, funny story, actually,” Pearl said, in as airy a voice as she could manage. “I’m not here because of you. _We_ were going to be here, anyway.” She held her hand a little higher, clasping Amethyst’s hand tightly.

Dewey stared at their hands, then looked back at Pearl. “You didn’t come for me?”

“Nah, Pearl and I just wanted to take Steven out on the town,” Amethyst cut in. “She didn’t even read your letter until I made her.”

Dewey’s face fell. “So… is now a bad time for you?”

“Now is a fine time, for me and _Amethyst_ ,” Pearl said. She couldn’t tell if he was being deliberately obtuse, or if he honestly didn’t understand what they were working so hard to imply. “We were just taking a tour of the boardwalk. Together.”

“And with me,” Steven added.

Dewey looked at Pearl, then at Steven, then at Pearl and Amethyst’s hands again. He swallowed. “Well… uh… I can check my calendar for another time, when you’re not out with your… sister.”

Pearl’s mouth fell open. Beside her, Amethyst gave a snort that she quickly stifled with a hand to her mouth. Dewey, apparently, interpreted this as “yes,” or at least not definitely no, and said, “I’ll be in touch,” and walked away.

As soon as he was gone, Amethyst burst out laughing. “He thinks we’re _sisters_? Oh, man, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“That’s not what we wanted at all!” Pearl said indignantly. “We were holding hands and everything! What more do we have to do?”

“He thought you were my sisters before, too,” Steven said. “I guess he still thinks that.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Amethyst said. “We’ll just have to keep this up a little longer than we thought. It’ll be fun.” She grinned.

Pearl put her hand to her head. “This is terrible. Why can’t he just understand that I’m not _interested_?”

“Don’t give up, Pearl,” Steven said encouragingly. “We’ll just have to try harder next time. I’ll ask Connie for ideas.”

Pearl sighed and let go of Amethyst’s hand. “This better work.”

“Hey, it will,” Amethyst said, reaching up to touch her elbow. “Trust me. We just have to act _super_ into each other. It’ll work.”

\--

Steven came up to Pearl the next day with a list he and Connie had come up with and a very serious expression on his normally carefree face.

“Okay,” he said. “Connie says the holding hands was a good idea, but you should kiss each other more.”

Pearl made a face. “We agreed no kissing.”

“It doesn’t have to be on the lips,” Steven said. “It could be on the cheek, or something. Connie says she sees people kissing each other on the cheek all the time.”

Even that seemed questionable, but it was better than kissing on the lips, so Pearl let it slide. “Well, I’ll talk to Amethyst about it. What else?”

“Pet names,” Steven said. “Call each other ‘honey’ and ‘dear’ and stuff. Or you can come up with your own.”

Pearl thought about that. Amethyst called her by nicknames sometimes, but they weren’t really Pearl’s area of expertise. Still, she had managed with them all right as Alexandrite; it would be much easier as herself. She nodded. “I think we can do that. Is there anything else?”

Steven consulted his list. “Flirting. Like, you know, um…” He thought hard, then gave up. “Well, I’m sure Amethyst can handle that.”

“You know she’s not remotely interested in a romantic relationship with anyone, right?” Pearl said. “She never has been.”

“But she’s been around humans the most! She’ll know what to do.”

Pearl sighed. “All right. Anything else?”

“Um… yes.” Steven smiled. “Connie wants to see you two practice.”

That gave Pearl a pause. “She does? Why?”

“She thinks she might have a few pointers. Also, she thinks it would be really cute.” When Pearl didn’t immediately acquiesce, Steven put on his best puppy-dog eyes. “Come on, Pearl, please? She just wants to help.”

The door to the temple opened as he was speaking, and Amethyst entered the room, munching on half a sandwich. “Who wants to help with what?” she said.

Steven flung himself at Amethyst, landing belly-down on the floor and clinging to her knees. “Connie wants to help you guys act like the perfect couple and I really want her to! Please, Amethyst, you have to help me convince Pearl!”

Pearl smiled at his dramatics and held up her hands before Amethyst could say anything.

“I never said I wouldn’t,” Pearl said. “I just asked why. If Amethyst wants to, it’s fine with me.”

“Are you kidding? That’s a _great_ idea,” Amethyst said. “Let’s do it.”

“Yes! Thank you thank you thank you!” Steven said, hugging Amethyst’s knees so tightly that she had to windmill her arms so as not to fall over. Amethyst laughed, and Pearl smiled, though she was beginning to wonder exactly how long they planned on her and Amethyst keeping this up.

\--

They met up with Connie on top of the cliff. She had brought a notepad, a book titled “The Art of Relationships,” and a very serious expression, though she broke into a smile when she saw Steven. She stood in front of them like a teacher as Pearl, Amethyst, and Steven all sat down on the grass.

“Okay,” Connie said. “Steven tells me you two need relationship coaching.”

“Yeah, Pearl doesn’t know how to flirt,” Amethyst said with a grin.

“I don’t _need_ to know how to flirt, I need to know how to get Dewey to take no for an answer,” Pearl said.

Connie adjusted her glasses. “Flirting is part of that. You need to fake a convincing relationship with Amethyst, right?”

Pearl sighed. “That’s the plan.”

“Then you need to know how to flirt.” Connie tapped her pen against her notepad. “Okay… show me what you’ve got.”

Pearl looked at Amethyst. It was much harder to imagine even thinking of her in a romantic context when it was Connie they were pretending for, and not Dewey. “Well… okay…”

Amethyst, on the other hand, got into character immediately. She grabbed Pearl’s hand and stared into her eyes. “Oh, Pearl,” she said, in a voice best described as “wispy,” “my darling, my love… what _ever_ would I do without you? I _need_ you. My heart beats for you alone.”

Steven laughed. Connie suppressed a giggle. “Okay, that’s a bit over the top, but it’s a start. Pearl? You try.”

“Uh,” Pearl said. “I don’t—”

“Just imagine Mayor Dewey is spying on us,” Connie said.

Pearl frowned. That did make it easier. She reached for Amethyst’s other hand. What had she said? A lot of nonsense about Pearl being the only one she lived for. But Connie had said that was over the top.

“Oh, Amethyst, I’m so glad you’re my girlfriend,” she said, making sure to project her voice. “Um… you’re very…” She cast about for an appropriate adjective, and settled on, “cute.”

This time, Connie couldn’t hold back a snort of laughter. Pearl pulled her hands out of Amethyst’s, and Steven, sitting on Pearl’s other side, put a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry, Pearl,” he said, clearly holding back a giggle. “I’m sure you’ll get better with practice.”

“Let’s start with something simple,” said Connie, once she had recovered herself. “Pet names. Amethyst—?”

“I can call her Pierogi,” Amethyst volunteered. “I already do that.”

Connie nodded. “Good start. My parents call each other ‘darling’ and ‘dear,’ but I think that’s an old person thing.”

“We are thousands of years old,” Pearl pointed out.

“I know that,” Connie said, blushing faintly. “But Mayor Dewey doesn’t. You guys don’t look that old. You could call each other ‘babe.’ Some people do that.”

“Well, what do you and Steven call each other?” Pearl said.

Steven turned bright pink. So did Connie. “S-Steven and I aren’t a couple,” Connie stammered.

Amethyst laughed. “Wow, Pearl, way to put your foot in it.”

To distract from this, Connie opened up her book. “Um… chapter one, falling in love… no… here we go, chapter four—public displays of affection.” She turned to the appropriate page and held it up for them to see. “Here. It says hand-holding is acceptable. Steven said you guys don’t want to kiss, but kissing on the cheek is good, if you can do that. If you’re sitting together, like in a booth, you should probably cuddle.” She flipped the page over, reading it upside down. “Let’s see… pet names, flirting, holding hands… oh, you can feed each other, if you’re out on a date.”

“What is this book even for?” Pearl said.

“Well, it’s all the basics of relationships. And some more advanced tips. It’s not mine,” Connie added quickly. “It belongs to my parents.” For some reason, she blushed again.

Amethyst shifted her weight, leaning more toward Pearl. “Okay, Connie, how’s this?”

She took Pearl’s hand again and looked at her. It was less soppy than the previous look, but her smile seemed genuine, and the adoration in her eyes was almost enough to make Pearl blush. “Hey, babe. Wanna go out for some ice cream?”

“Ice cream? Amethyst, you know I don’t like—” Pearl caught Connie’s look. Well, she could pretend to like ice cream as long as she didn’t have to _eat_ any. “I mean… that sounds very nice.”

Amethyst leaned closer. “So it’s a date?”

Pearl glanced at Connie, who gave her an encouraging thumbs up. She nodded. “It’s a date.”

Connie clapped her hands together. “That was great! You two are _so_ cute together.”

Amethyst beamed. “Thanks. You think it’ll work on Mayor Dewey?”

“Absolutely,” Connie said firmly. “You just have to be really obvious about it. Pet names, hand-holding, flirting—the works.”

Pearl looked at Amethyst. Their hands were still together. “You think I should call Amethyst… babe?”

Amethyst burst out laughing. “Jeez, P. If you’re gonna say it like you’re gagging on it every time, just stick to Amethyst.”

Pearl blushed. “I can do that.”

Steven jumped up. “Hey! We _should_ go for ice cream. I can eat yours, Pearl.”

“Or,” Amethyst said, with a sly look at Connie, “Pearl could feed all of hers to me. It’s _romantic_.”

Connie looked at Steven and smiled. “Let’s do it.”

\--

Mayor Dewey was not in the ice cream shop. Connie said it was the perfect time to practice, so they ordered three ice creams—one for Steven, one for Pearl, and one for Amethyst—and Connie sat back, trying to be serious while Pearl awkwardly fed Amethyst her ice cream a spoonful at a time.

“We did this for you when you were a baby, you know,” she said to Steven. “When you were just starting to eat solid food, and you couldn’t hold a spoon.”

“Well, this baby’s hungry,” Amethyst said, and opened her mouth wide. Pearl fed her another spoonful, and she licked her lips. “Mm. Strawberry. My favorite flavor.”

“I thought chocolate was your favorite,” Steven said.

Amethyst shrugged and took a bite of her own ice cream. “They’re all my favorite. But,” she added, winking at Pearl, “anything from my babe Pearl is my _favorite_ favorite.”

Pearl blushed. “A-anything for you, Amethyst,” she muttered.

Connie put her hands by her face, stars in her eyes. “That was so cute!”

“Really? It was?” Pearl gave a tentative smile. “You think it’ll work?”

“I think we should keep practicing,” Amethyst said. “Feed me more ice cream, honey.”

Pearl obliged. Steven took a spoonful of his ice cream and watched them with a smile on his face.

\--

Steven was with Connie, and Pearl and Amethyst were on the beach, practicing, when Garnet found them.

“There you two are,” she said. “I’ve been looking for you. What are you doing?”

Pearl tried to drop Amethyst’s hand, but Amethyst kept holding on. “We’re pretending to be dating so we can get Mayor Dewey off Pearl’s back,” Amethyst said, as casually as if they were playing chess. “The first time didn’t work, so obviously we have to try harder.”

“Hmm.” Garnet looked at Pearl. “Have you tried just saying no?”

“Of course I have,” Pearl said. “It was the first thing I tried. He doesn’t understand that I _don’t_ want to date him, not now and not ever in the future. Every time it seems like he gets it, he just comes back a few days or weeks later trying to get my attention again!”

“We figured if he thought she was taken, he’d back off,” Amethyst added.

“Hmm.” Garnet put her hand to her chin. “I think I can help you with that.”

“It’s too bad humans don’t understand fusion,” Amethyst said, looking Garnet up and down. “If we met him as Opal…”

“It wouldn’t work. He’d probably be attracted to Opal, too. Anyway, Amethyst, you know better than anyone that fusions aren’t always romantic.” Garnet adjusted her glasses. “What you need to do is act so sweet together that he feels bad for even trying to get in the way of your relationship.”

“That’s what we’ve been _trying_ to do,” Pearl said, exasperated. “We went to the ice cream parlor and I fed Amethyst all my ice cream, _and_ the spoon, and Connie and Steven thought it was cute but Dewey wasn’t there, of course—”

“It’s a good start,” Garnet said, “but you’ve got to act like you can’t stand to be without each other.”

Pearl and Amethyst shared a glance. “I don’t know…” Pearl said.

“At least act like you _can_ stand to be around each other,” Garnet said.

Pearl gave a frustrated sigh. “We _are_. Dewey thought we were sisters.”

Garnet gave a short bark of laughter, which surprised them both. Pearl stared at her. That had sounded more like Ruby than Garnet, but she wasn’t one to unfuse for just anything…

And sure enough, Garnet said, “I’m not going to unfuse to give you two relationship advice. But here’s what I think: next time he thinks you’re sisters, correct him. Kiss each other, anywhere you can stand to. Hold hands. Sweep each other off your feet. Pearl, play with Amethyst’s hair—but make it look like you’re not even thinking about it. Tell each other what you like about each other. When you look at each other, get lost in the other’s eyes. Call each other pet names. _Snuggle_.”

Pearl stared up at her. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting, but it wasn’t that. Especially the last part—it sounded like such an odd command. But Amethyst seemed to take her at her word, and tackled Pearl to the ground. Pearl yelled in surprise, but Amethyst took no notice, wrapping her arms around Pearl’s body and gently nudging the top of her head to her chin.

“Like this?” she said, grinning up at Garnet.

“Almost,” Garnet said. “Pearl—?”

She didn’t have to specify. Pearl put her arms around Amethyst, and before Garnet even had time to react, wrapped them tighter. On a whim, she pressed her lips to Amethyst’s hair.

Garnet smiled and gave a thumbs up. “Now that’s more like it. No one would ever mistake you for sisters now.”

“But we can’t… um, snuggle… in front of Dewey,” Pearl said. “I mean, not like _this_.”

“Just act like you really want to,” Garnet advised. “Put your hands on each other’s shoulders. Lean toward each other when you talk. Walk close enough to touch. Stand with your shoulders touching.” She gestured for them to stand up. “Show me what you’ve got.”

Pearl got to her feet, somewhat hampered by Amethyst refusing to let go of her arm. But that was what they were aiming for—to make it seem like they never wanted to stop touching each other. To that effect, once she was on her feet, she pulled her arm in so as to pull Amethyst closer. Amethyst leaned her head against her shoulder.

“Good,” Garnet said. “Now let me see you walking.”

This was harder, as they had to disentangle themselves before they could take a step, but even when they did, Amethyst had her arm wrapped firmly around Pearl’s. They left as little space between them as possible, with their legs brushing with every step. It was going very well, until Pearl’s toe caught Amethyst’s heel, and they both went down with a yell.

“You need more practice,” Garnet said.

“But we were doing so well,” Pearl said, getting to her feet, this time without Amethyst’s arms around hers.

“I have an idea.” As soon as they were both standing, Garnet grabbed Pearl’s arm and put it around Amethyst’s waist. She did the same for Amethyst. “Try that.”

Their height difference made it a bit awkward, but it would be easier, Pearl thought, than trying to walk with Amethyst clinging to her arm. She looked at Amethyst, who met her gaze, and together they took their first step.

“Couldn’t we just hold hands?” Pearl said, as she and Amethyst walked in a slow, steady circle around Garnet.

“If holding hands didn’t work the first time, it won’t work any of the other times,” Garnet said firmly. “You’re doing fine.”

She was right; they made it a full two circles around Garnet without tripping. When they stopped, Pearl dropped her arm, but didn’t move away from Amethyst. “You said you were looking for us,” she said. “Did you need us for something? A mission?”

Garnet shook her head. “It can wait.”

“Are you sure?” Pearl said. “If there’s a corrupted gem we need to—”

“I want to see how this turns out,” Garnet said, and grinned.

Amethyst started to laugh. “Oh, man. This is gonna be great.”

Pearl frowned. She seemed to be the only one who was still unsure that this was going to work. But if Garnet agreed with the plan, she reasoned, then surely it wasn’t such a bad idea.

\--

Amethyst and Pearl sat on the couch, planning. They had practiced acting couple-y until Garnet was satisfied; now they were ready to put their practice to the test. The only trouble was, they still had to find a way to meet up with Dewey without making it seem too deliberate.

“Maybe he’ll send you another letter,” Amethyst suggested.

“I don’t think so.” Pearl leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “He’s only done that once. I don’t know if he’d do it again. It seemed like an overtly romantic gesture. Now he just wants to… reschedule… our meeting.”

“Well, maybe you could send _him_ a letter?” Amethyst shook her head, dismissing that idea before Pearl could. “Nah, that would make it look like you were actually interested. Well… we could just go out and look for him, and make it look like an accident when we bump into him. He’s always out campaigning.”

“That’s true, but I don’t want to just wander around town hoping he sees us,” Pearl said. “We don’t need the whole town to believe it, just Dewey.”

“Yeah,” Amethyst said, “but if more people see us, maybe word will get around, you know?”

Pearl was unconvinced. Amethyst put a hand on her knee. “I have an idea. Let’s just go and get donuts. You don’t have to eat any,” she added, seeing Pearl’s look. “We can just get some for me and Steven. And maybe someone there will see us, and pass the word along.”

Pearl sighed and got to her feet. “We might as well.” It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than telling Dewey to meet her somewhere and making him think she actually _liked_ him.

As it happened, though, they didn’t need to go to the Big Donut. As they walked down the street, hand in hand (which almost felt natural by now), Pearl heard a huge gasp from across the street, and turned to see Ronaldo pointing their way with a shocked look on his face.

Amethyst giggled. “Look who it is. Isn’t he the one who thinks snake people are controlling us all?”

Before Pearl could respond, Ronaldo reached into the shop behind him and tugged his younger brother out. “I can’t believe it! Look, Peedee! This is incredible! Are you seeing this? They’re _holding hands!_ This proves that even aliens can love!”

Pearl blushed. It wouldn’t be so bad if his voice didn’t carry. Down the street, people were stopping to see what he was talking about. But Ronaldo wasn’t done.

“What a beautiful display of affection!” He wiped a tear out of the corner of his eye. Addressing Pearl and Amethyst directly for the first time, he said, “You Crystal Gems are beautiful! Yes! Keep showing we small, insignificant citizens of Beach City the true power of love! Everyone—join hands, and we’ll show them that humans can love, too!”

Peedee tugged his hand away. “Ronaldo, I have to get back to manning the shop, so…”

“Manning the shop? Manning the shop? But this is so important!”

“It’s really not,” Pearl said.

Amethyst gave her hand a squeeze and said quietly, “Hey, at least this guarantees Mayor Dewey will hear about us.”

“True,” Pearl admitted in the same tone, “but does he have to be so… _loud_?”

Peedee had managed to tug himself free and was back in the shop. Ronaldo, meanwhile, stood across from them, the occasional tear trickling down his face to the corner of his wide smile.

Pearl waved. “Um… thanks,” she said.

“No problem, Pearl! Your love inspires us!” Ronaldo practically shouted as he waved back.

“Let’s get going,” Pearl said quietly to Amethyst. “I don’t like him staring at us like that.”

They left, hand in hand, with Ronaldo still crying about their “inspiring love.” Only when they were out of earshot did Amethyst start laughing.

“I can’t believe that happened,” she said. “Wow. That’s gonna spread around town so fast. We just have to stay out until we meet Mayor Dewey.”

“Let’s go get donuts, like we planned,” Pearl said firmly. This was not how things were supposed to go, and being shouted at by a human, who was strange even by human standards, was not her idea of a good time. But now that it was over, and Amethyst was laughing about it, she couldn’t hold back a small smile. It looked like this plan actually had a chance.

\--

Amethyst swore up and down that if they sat down and ate their donuts in the shop, the rumor would have spread far and wide before they had finished eating, so after ordering two donuts, they sat at a table by the front of the shop and waited.

“Just trust me,” Amethyst said, as she crammed her donut into her mouth. “Plenty of people heard that, and they won’t keep it to themselves. Dewey’ll know by lunchtime.”

“It’s past lunchtime,” Pearl pointed out, tearing off a small chunk of her donut and handing it to Amethyst, who gladly ate it.

“By dessert time, then,” Amethyst said. Pearl handed her another piece of donut. “It’ll be soon. I’m sure of it.”

Sure enough, after Pearl finished feeding Amethyst the rest of her donut and they left the shop arm in arm, Dewey was the first person they ran into.

“Ah!” he said, tapping his fingers nervously in front of him. “Just the person, uh, people I wanted to see.”

“Oh, really?” said Pearl, leaning closer to Amethyst. “Amethyst and I were just on… a date.”

“Well, there’s this rumor going around and I…” Dewey stopped as he processed what Pearl had said. “A date?”

“Yeah,” Amethyst said. “A real romantic one, too.”

Dewey hesitated. “With… with whom?”

Pearl rolled her eyes and stepped even closer to Amethyst. Their legs were touching now. “Each other, of course. We’re not sisters,” she added, in case this was where Dewey went next.

“Oh.” Dewey wiped his forehead. “So this rumor… is it true?”

“I don’t know,” Pearl said. It was probably wrong for her to be enjoying his discomfort so much, but it felt like payback for all the times he had tried to corner her with unwanted attention. “What rumor would that be?”

He hesitated. “Well, it’s… you see, people are saying that you two are… lesbians.”

Pearl blinked. She had been expecting something along the lines of “are you two dating,” or “are you a couple,” but… lesbians?

Fortunately, Amethyst seemed to know what it meant, and jumped in with, “Oh, yeah. We’re the biggest lesbians on the block, me and Pearl. We’re _such_ lesbians.” She snuggled right up to Pearl’s arm, and Pearl smiled at her gooey look. A kiss, she thought, would be appropriate now, so she took Amethyst’s free hand and pressed her lips to her fingers. She felt Amethyst nearly flinch away, but it was such a subtle movement that Dewey wouldn’t have noticed it.

Dewey turned bright red and averted his eyes. He looked nervous—well, more nervous than he usually did. “I see,” he stammered. “So you’ve… you’re… you’re not interested in me at all, are you?”

“No,” Pearl said firmly. “I never have been and I never will be.”

“Yeah, she’s only interested in me,” Amethyst said. “Sorry, dude.”

“Oh.” Dewey adjusted his jacket, though it didn’t need adjusting. “I… well… then I would like to, um, apologize for my… advances.”

Pearl blinked in surprise. She hadn’t been expecting an actual apology. Maybe a change of subject. But, as he _had_ apologized, she said, “Apology accepted,” doing her best to stay dignified while Amethyst rubbed her face on her arm. “As long as you don’t do it again.”

“I won’t,” Dewey said quickly. “Sorry to bother you. Now I have… uh… campaign things to take care of. I’ll see you around.”

“Or not,” Pearl muttered as he made a hasty departure.

Amethyst giggled and gave Pearl a companionable punch to the arm. “Hey, P, we did it! That was really good. Very convincing.”

“Thanks,” Pearl said, smiling modestly. “By the way—what exactly _is_ a lesbian?”

“It’s just a word for a girl who likes girls,” Amethyst said, disentangling herself from Pearl’s arm. “Vidalia told me.”

“Oh.” Pearl considered this. “That’s not exactly accurate…”

“No, but did you see the look on his face?” Amethyst distorted her expression into a caricature of Dewey’s surprised look, then burst into laughter. “Totally worth it.”

“I suppose so…” Pearl smiled. “Thank you, Amethyst. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Hey, no problem, P,” Amethyst said, grinning. “Let’s go home, yeah? We gotta tell Steven what happened.”

“Yes, before he hears it from someone else,” Pearl said with a sigh. “All right. Let’s go home.”

Though they didn’t need to pretend anymore, she reached for Amethyst’s hand, and Amethyst took it. They didn’t let go the whole way home.

\--

Steven lay on the couch, reading a book Connie had lent him. When he heard the door open, he looked up, then put his book down and bounced off the couch.

“Pearl! Amethyst! How’d it go?”

“Well, the good news is that I think Dewey will leave me alone now,” Pearl said. “The bad news is, everyone in town now thinks Amethyst and I are dating.”

“Are you kidding? That’s not bad news, that’s _hilarious_ ,” Amethyst said. “Can you imagine? Oh, man.”

Steven looked from Pearl to Amethyst. “Can I ask you guys a question?”

“Sure, fire away,” Amethyst said, making for the fridge.

“Well… how come you guys _aren’t_ dating? I mean, everyone says you’re really cute together. And I know you guys like each other, even if sometimes you fight. Even Ruby and Sapphire fight, sometimes.”

Amethyst, holding a plate piled high with sandwich makings, laughed. “Dude, liking each other isn’t the only thing that goes into a relationship. You should know that. You like Connie, right? But you two aren’t dating.”

Pearl leaned against the stair rail. “Amethyst and I are friends,” she said. “But I told you, Amethyst isn’t interested in a relationship. Not with me, and not with anyone.”

“Not ever,” Amethyst added. “I don’t see people like that. It’s just not who I am, you know?”

“Oh.” Steven turned to Pearl. “And you’re not interested either, huh?”

Pearl shook her head. “I do like Amethyst, but that doesn’t mean I want to _date_ her. In fact, I’m glad we can drop the act now.”

“Ehh, I dunno, I kinda liked holding your hand,” Amethyst teased. Her sandwich makings had been reduced to crumbs, and she licked each of her fingers in turn. Pearl grimaced.

“Only after you’ve washed them,” she said firmly. She turned back to Steven. “You’re not disappointed, are you?”

Steven shook his head. “I just wondered. You guys made it look so natural by the end.” He smiled. “How come everyone in town thinks you’re dating?”

Amethyst laughed. “Let me tell him, P.”

“Only if you promise not to leave anything out,” Pearl said with a smile.

Steven hopped back onto the couch, patting both seats beside him, and Amethyst and Pearl sat with him. Five minutes later, Garnet warped in, and Amethyst started her story over as she joined them on the couch. Things may not have gone exactly as planned, but Amethyst’s version of the tale had them all laughing, especially when she imitated the expressions of the people in it. And, in the end, Steven thought happily, everything had worked out fine.


End file.
